105 Ways to Freak-out Your Roomate
Sunday, 16 October 1994
Some of these are just plain stupid. They vary from the actually
feasible, and rather hilarious to the beyond the laws of
nature and stupid anyway. I'm sorry there are more than 10 of
them, but I'm not going to sift through them all to find the funny
- Smoke jimson weed. Do whatever comes naturally.
- Switch the sheets on your beds while s/he is at class.
- Twitch a lot.
- Pretend to talk while pretending to be asleep.
- Steal a fishtank. Fill it with beer and dump sardines in it.
Talk to them.
- Become a subgenius.
- Inject his/her twinkies with a mixture of Dexatrim and MSG.
- Learn to levitate. While your roommate is looking away, float up
out of your seat. When s/he turns to look, fall back down and grin.
- Speak in tongues.
- Move your roommate's personal effects around. Start subtlely.
Gradually work up to big things, and eventually glue everything s/he
owns to the ceiling.
- Walk and talk backwards.
- Spend all your money on Jolt Cola. Drink it all. Stack the cans
the middle of your room. Number them.
- Spend all your money on Transformers. Play with them at night.
If your roommate says anything, tell him/her with a straight face,
"They're more than meets the eye."
- Recite entire movie scripts (e.g. "The Road Warrior," "Repo Man,")
- Kill roaches with a monkey wrench while humming Wagnerian
arias on a kazoo. If your roommate complains, explain that it is
for your performance art class (or hit him/her with the wrench).
- Collect all your urine in a small jug.
- Chain yourself to your roommate's bed. Get him/her to bring you
- Get a computer. Leave it on when you are not using it. Turn it
off when you are.
- Ask your roommate if your family can move in "just for a
couple of weeks."
- Buy as many back issues of Field and Stream as you can. Pretend
to masturbate while reading them.
- Fake a heart attack. When your roommate gets the paramedics to
come, pretend nothing happened.
- Eat glass.
- Smoke ballpoint pens.
- Smile. All the time.
- Collect dog crap in baby food jars. Sort them according to what
you think the dog ate.
- Burn all your waste paper while eying your roommate suspiciously.
- Hide a bunch of potato chips and Ho Hos in the bottom of a trash
can. When you get hungry, root around in the trash. Find the
food, and eat it. If your roommate empties the trash before you
get hungry, demand that s/he reimburse you.
- Leave a declaration of war on your roommate's desk. Include a
list of grievances.
- Paste boogers on the windows in occult patterns.
- Shoot rubber bands at your roommate while his/her back is turned,
then look away quickly.
- Dye all your underwear lime green.
- Spill a lot of beer on his/her bed. Swim.
- Buy three loaves of stale bread. Grow mold in the closet.
- Hide your underwear and socks in your roommate's closet. Accuse
him/her of stealing it.
- Remove your door. Ship it to your roommate's parents (postage
- Pray to Azazoth or Zoroaster. Sacrifice something nasty.
- Whenever your roommate walks in, wait one minute and then stand
up. Announce that you are going to take a shower. Do so. Keep
this up for three weeks.
- Array thirteen toothbrushes of different colors on your dresser.
Refuse to discuss them.
- Paint your half of the room black. Or paisley.
- Whenever he/she is about to fall asleep, ask questions that start
with "Didja ever wonder why...." Be creative.
- Shave one eyebrow.
- Put your mattress underneath your bed. Sleep down under
there and pile your dirty clothes on the empty bedframe. If your
roommate comments, mutter, "Gotta save space," twenty times while
- Put horseradish in your shoes.
- Shelve all your books with the spines facing the wall. Complain
loudly that you can never find the book that you want.
- Always flush the toilet three times.
- Subsist entirely on pickles for a week. Vomit often.
- Buy a copy of Frankie Yankovic's "Pennsylvania Polka," and
play it at least 6 hours a day. If your roommate complains,
explain that it's an assignment for your primitive cultures class.
- Give him/her an allowance.
- Listen to radio static.
- Open your window shades before you go to sleep each night. Close
them as soon as you wake up.
- Cry a lot.
- Send secret admirer notes on your roommate's voice mail.
- Clip your fingernails and toenails and keep them in a baggie.
Leave the baggie near your computer and snack from it while studying.
If s/he walks by, grab the bag close and eye him/her suspiciously.
- Paste used kleenexes to his/her walls.
- Whenever your roomate comes in from the shower, lower your
eyes and giggle to yourself.
- If you get in before your roomate, go to sleep in his/her bed.
- Put pornos under his/her bed. Whenever someone comes to visit your
roommate when they're not home, show them the magazines.
- Whenever you go to sleep, start jumping on your bed . . . do
so for a while, then jump really high and act like you hit your
head on the ceiling. Crumple onto your bed and fake like you were
knocked out . . . use this method to fall asleep every night for
- If your roommate goes away for a weekend, change the locks.
- Whenever his/her parents call and ask for your roommate, breathe
into the phone for 5 seconds then hang up.
- Whenever he/she goes to shower, drop whatever you're doing, grab a
towel, and go shower too.
- Find out your roommate's post office box code. Open it and take
his/her mail. Do this for one month. After that, send the mail
to him/her by UPS.
- Collect all of your pencil shavings and sprinkle them on the
- Create an imaginary cat for a pet. Talk to it every night, act
like you're holding it, keep a litter box under your desk. After
two weeks, say that your cat is missing. Put up signs in your dorm,
blame your roommate.
- Call safety & security whenever your roommate turns up his/her music.
- Follow him/her around on weekends.
- Sit on the floor and talk to the wall.
- Whenever the phone rings, get up and answer the door.
- Whenever someone knocks, answer the phone.
- Take his/her underwear. Wear it.
- Whenever your roommate is walking through the room, bump into
- Stare at your roommate for five minutes out of every hour. Don't
anything, just stare.
- Tell your roommate that someone called and said that it was really
important but you can't remember who it was.
- Let mice loose in his/her room.
- Give each of your walls a different name. Whenever you can't
answer a problem, ask each of your walls. Write down their
responses, then ask your ceiling for the final answer. Complain
to your roommate that you don't trust your ceiling.
- Take your roommate's papers and hand them in as your own.
- Skip to the bathroom.
- Take all of your roommate's furniture and build a fort. Guard the
fort for an entire weekend.
- Gather up a garbage bag full of leaves and throw them in a pile in
his/her room. Jump in them. Comment about the beautiful foilage.
- When you walk into your room, turn off your lights. Turn them on
- Print up satanic signs and leave them in your room where
he/she can find them.
- Whenever you're on the phone and he/she walks in, hang up immediately
without saying anything and crawl under your desk. Sit there for two
minutes than call whoever it was back.
- Insist on writing the entire lyrics to American Pie on your
ceiling above your bed. Sing them every night before you go to bed.
- Use a Bible as kleenex. Yell at your roommate if they say "Jesus" or
"God Damn it".
- Eat moths.
- Buy Sea Monkeys and grow them. Name one after your roommate.
Announce the next day that that one died. Name another one after your
roommate. The next day say that it died. Keep this up until they all
- Collect Chia-Pets.
- Refuse to communicate in anything but sign language.
- Eat a bag of marshmellows before you go to bed. The next day,
spray three bottles of whipped cream all over your floor. Say you
- Wipe deoderant all over your roommate's walls.
- If you know that he/she is in the room, come barging in out of
breath. Ask if they saw a fat bald naked Tibetan man run through
carrying a hundred dollar bill. Run back out swearing.
- Leave apple cores on his/her bed.
- Keep feces in your fridge. Complain that there is never anything
- Piss in a jar and leave it by your bed. When your roommate isn't
looking, replace it with a jar of apple juice. Wait until your
roommate turns around. Drink it.
- Don't ever flush.
- Buy an inflatable doll. Sleep with it.
- Hang stuffed animals with nooses from your ceiling. Whenever you
walk by them mutter, "You shouldn't have done that to me."
- Lick him/her while they are asleep.
- Dress in drag.
- Be on the damn phone 5 hours a day with some hussy in Philly.
- Kill a man. Keep him under your bed. Pretend he doesn't smell.
- Masturbate regularly a lot and without shame. Tell your roomate
you feel it should be more socially exeptable and you are doing
- Try not washing. For a semester.
- Spend a lot of time high.