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Real Programmers Don't Eat Quiche |
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Saturday, 06 May 1995 |
- Real Programmers don't eat quiche. They like
twinkies, coke and palate-scorching Szechwan food.
- Real Programmers don't write applications
programs. They program right down on the bare metal. Applications
programming is for the dullards who can't do systems programming.
- Real Programmers don't write specs. Users
should be grateful for whatever they get: they are lucky to get any
programs at all.
- Real Programmers don't comment their code. If
it was hard to write, it should be hard to understand and harder to
modify.
- Real Programmers don't document.
Documentation is for simpletons who can't read listings or the
object code from the dump.
- Real Programmers don't draw flowcharts.
Flowcharts are the illiterate's form of documentation.
Cavemen drew flowcharts; look at how much good it did for them.
- Real Programmers don't read manuals. Reliance
on a reference manual is the hallmark of the novice and the coward.
- Real Programmers don't write in RPG.
RPG is for gum-chewing dimwits who maintain ancient payroll
programs.
- Real Programmers don't write in
COBOL. COBOL is for COmmon
Business-Oriented
Laymen who can't run a business, much less write a
real program.
- Real Programmers don't write in
FORTRAN. FORTRAN is for wimp engineers who wear
white socks. They get excited over finite state analysis and nuclear
reactor simulation.
- Real Programmers don't write in PL/1. PL/1 is
for insecure anal-retentives who can't choose between COBOL
and FORTRAN.
- Real Programmers don't write in BASIC.
Actually, no programmer writes in BASIC after reaching puberty.
- Real Programmers don't write in APL,
unless the whole program can be written on one line.
- Real Programmers don't write in
LISP. Only idiots' programs contain more parenthesis than
actual code.
- Real Programmers don't write in
PASCAL, BLISS, ADA, or any of those other
sissy computer science languages. Strong typing is the crutch for
people with weak minds.
- Real Programmers' programs never work right
the first time. But if you throw them on the machine they can be
patched into working order in "only a few" 30-hour debugging sessions.
- Real Programmers never work 9 to 5. If any
Real Programmers are around at 9:00 am, its because they were up all
night.
- Real Programmers don't play tennis, or any
other sport which requires a change of clothes. Mountain Climbing is
acceptable. Real Programmers wear climbing boots to work in case a
mountain should suddenly spring up in the middle of the machine room.
- Real Programmers disdain structured
programming. Structured programming is for compulsive neurotics who
were permanently toilet trained. They wear neckties and carefully
line up sharp pencils on an otherwise clear desk.
- Real Programmers don't like the team
programming concept. Unless, of course they are the chief programmer.
- Real Programmers never write memos
on paper. They send memos via computer mail networks.
- Real Programmers have no use for managers.
Managers are a necessary evil. They exist only to deal with personnel
bozos, bean counters, senior planners, and other mental defectives.
- Real Programmers scorn floating point
arithmetic. The decimal point was invented for pansy bedwetters who
are unable to "think big."
- Real Programmers don't drive clapped-out
Mavericks. They prefer BMW's, Lincolns, or pick up trucks with floor
shifts. Fast motorcycles are highly regarded.
- Real Programmers don't believe in schedules.
Planners make up schedules. Managers "firm up" schedules. Frightened
coders strive to meet schedules. Real Programmers ignore schedules.
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