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Real Programmers Don't Eat Quiche PDF Print E-mail
Saturday, 06 May 1995
  • Real Programmers don't eat quiche. They like twinkies, coke and palate-scorching Szechwan food.
  • Real Programmers don't write applications programs. They program right down on the bare metal. Applications programming is for the dullards who can't do systems programming.
  • Real Programmers don't write specs. Users should be grateful for whatever they get: they are lucky to get any programs at all.
  • Real Programmers don't comment their code. If it was hard to write, it should be hard to understand and harder to modify.
  • Real Programmers don't document. Documentation is for simpletons who can't read listings or the object code from the dump.
  • Real Programmers don't draw flowcharts. Flowcharts are the illiterate's form of documentation. Cavemen drew flowcharts; look at how much good it did for them.
  • Real Programmers don't read manuals. Reliance on a reference manual is the hallmark of the novice and the coward.
  • Real Programmers don't write in RPG. RPG is for gum-chewing dimwits who maintain ancient payroll programs.
  • Real Programmers don't write in COBOL. COBOL is for COmmon Business-Oriented Laymen who can't run a business, much less write a real program.
  • Real Programmers don't write in FORTRAN. FORTRAN is for wimp engineers who wear white socks. They get excited over finite state analysis and nuclear reactor simulation.
  • Real Programmers don't write in PL/1. PL/1 is for insecure anal-retentives who can't choose between COBOL and FORTRAN.
  • Real Programmers don't write in BASIC. Actually, no programmer writes in BASIC after reaching puberty.
  • Real Programmers don't write in APL, unless the whole program can be written on one line.
  • Real Programmers don't write in LISP. Only idiots' programs contain more parenthesis than actual code.
  • Real Programmers don't write in PASCAL, BLISS, ADA, or any of those other sissy computer science languages. Strong typing is the crutch for people with weak minds.
  • Real Programmers' programs never work right the first time. But if you throw them on the machine they can be patched into working order in "only a few" 30-hour debugging sessions.
  • Real Programmers never work 9 to 5. If any Real Programmers are around at 9:00 am, its because they were up all night.
  • Real Programmers don't play tennis, or any other sport which requires a change of clothes. Mountain Climbing is acceptable. Real Programmers wear climbing boots to work in case a mountain should suddenly spring up in the middle of the machine room.
  • Real Programmers disdain structured programming. Structured programming is for compulsive neurotics who were permanently toilet trained. They wear neckties and carefully line up sharp pencils on an otherwise clear desk.
  • Real Programmers don't like the team programming concept. Unless, of course they are the chief programmer.
  • Real Programmers never write memos on paper. They send memos via computer mail networks.
  • Real Programmers have no use for managers. Managers are a necessary evil. They exist only to deal with personnel bozos, bean counters, senior planners, and other mental defectives.
  • Real Programmers scorn floating point arithmetic. The decimal point was invented for pansy bedwetters who are unable to "think big."
  • Real Programmers don't drive clapped-out Mavericks. They prefer BMW's, Lincolns, or pick up trucks with floor shifts. Fast motorcycles are highly regarded.
  • Real Programmers don't believe in schedules. Planners make up schedules. Managers "firm up" schedules. Frightened coders strive to meet schedules. Real Programmers ignore schedules.

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