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If Operating Systems were Beers |
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Saturday, 09 March 1996 |
- DOS Beer
- Requires you to use your own can opener, and requires you to
read the directions carefully before opening the can.
Originally only came in an 8-oz. can, but now comes in a
16-oz. can. However, the can is divided into 8 compartments of
2 oz. each, which have to be consumed separately. Although
soon to be discontinued, a lot of people are going to keep
drinking it after it's no longer available.
- Mac Beer
- At first, came only in a 16-oz. can, but now comes in a
32-oz. can. Considered by many to be a "light" beer. All the
cans look identical. When you take one from the fridge, it
opens itself. The ingredients list is not on the can. If you
call the brewery to ask about the ingredients, you are told
that "you don't need to know." A notice on the side reminds
you to drag your empties to the trash can.
- Windows 3.1 Beer
- The world's most popular. Comes in a 16-oz. can that looks a
lot like Mac Beer's. Requires that you already own DOS
Beer. Claims that it allows you to drink several DOS Beers
simultaneously, but in reality you can only drink a few of
them, very slowly. Especially slow if you are drinking the
Windows Beer at the same time. Sometimes, for apparently no
reason, a can of Windows Beer will explode when you open it.
- OS/2 Beer
- Comes in a 32-oz can. Does allow you to drink several DOS
Beers simultaneously. Allows you to drink Windows 3.1 Beer
simultaneously too, but somewhat slower. Advertises that its
cans won't explode when you open them, even if you shake them
up first. You never really see anyone drinking OS/2 Beer, but
the manufacturer (International Beer Manufacturing) claims that
9 million six-packs have been sold.
- Windows 95 Beer
- No one drinks it much yet, but a lot of people have taste-tested it
and claim it's wonderful. The can looks a lot like Mac Beer's
can, but tastes more like Windows 3.1 Beer. It comes in
32-oz. cans, but when you look inside, the cans only have 16
oz. of beer in them. Most people will probably keep drinking
Windows 3.1 Beer until their friends try Windows 95 Beer and
say they like it. The ingredients list, when you look at the
small print, has some of the same ingredients that come in DOS
beer, even though the manufacturer claims that this is an
entirely new brew.
- Windows NT Beer
- Comes in 32-oz. cans, but you can only buy it by the truckload.
This causes most people to have to go out and buy bigger
refrigerators. The can looks just like Windows 3.1 Beer's, but
the company promises to change the can to look just like
Windows 95 Beer's - after Windows 95 Beer starts
shipping. Touted as an "industrial strength" beer, and
suggested only for use in bars.
- UNIX Beer
- Comes in several different brands, in cans ranging from 8
oz. to 64 oz. Drinkers of UNIX Beer display fierce brand
loyalty, even though they claim that all the different brands
taste almost identical. Sometimes the pop-tops break off when
you try to open them, so you have to have your own can opener
around for those occasions, in which case you either need a
complete set of instructions or a friend who has been drinking
UNIX Beer for several years.
- AmigaDOS Beer
- The company has gone out of business, but their recipe has been
picked up by some weird German company, so now this beer will
be an import. AmigaDOS Beer never really sold very well because
the original manufacturer didn't understand marketing. Like
UNIX Beer, AmigaDOS Beer fans are an extremely loyal and loud
group. It originally came in a 16-oz. can, but now comes in
32-oz. cans too. When this can was originally introduced, it
appeared flashy and colorful, but the design hasn't changed
much over the years, so it appears dated now. Critics of this
beer claim that it is only meant for watching TV anyway.
- VMS Beer
- Requires minimal user interaction, except for popping the top
and sipping. However, cans have been known on occasion to
explode, or contain extremely un-beer-like contents. Best
drunk in high pressure development environments. When you call
the manufacturer for the list of ingredients, you're told that
it's proprietary and referred to an unknown listing in the
manuals published by the FDA. Rumors have it that this was
once listed in the Physicians' Desk Reference as a
tranquilizer, but no one can claim to have actually seen it.
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