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Highways like the Internet |
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Monday, 22 January 1996 |
"Think of the Internet as a highway."
There it is again. Some clueless fool talking about the "Information
Superhighway." They don't know didley about the net. It's nothing
like a superhighway. That's a rotten metaphor.
Suppose the metaphor ran in the other direction. Suppose the highways
were like the net...
A highway hundreds of lanes wide. Most with pitfalls for potholes.
Privately operated bridges and overpasses. No highway patrol. A
couple of rent-a-cops on bicycles with broken whistles. 500 member
vigilante posses with nuclear weapons. A minimum of 237 on ramps at
every intersection.
No signs. Wanna get to Ensenada? Holler out the window at a passing
truck to ask directions. Ad hoc traffic laws. Some lanes would vote
to make use by a single-occupant- vehicle a capital offense on Monday
through Friday between 7:00 and 9:00. Other lanes would just shoot
you without a trial for talking on a car phone.
AOL would be a giant diesel-smoking
bus with hundreds of ebola victims on board throwing dead wombats and
rotten cabbage at the other cars, most of which have been assembled at
home from kits. Some are built around
2.5 horsepower lawnmower engines
with a top speed of nine miles an hour.
Others burn nitrogylcerin and
idle at 120.
No license plates. World War II bomber nose art instead. Terrifying
paintings of huge teeth or vampire eagles. Bumper mounted machine
guns. Flip somebody the finger on this highway and get a white
phosphorus grenade up your tailpipe. Flatbed trucks cruise around
with anti-aircraft missile batteries to shoot down the traffic
helicopter. Little kids on tricycles with squirtguns filled with
hydrochloric acid switch lanes without warning.
No offramps. None.
usual disclaimer
I didn't write that. They're a bit harsh on AOL. I added the
hypertext links corresponding to the particular operating systems, and
I stand by my choices.
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