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Thursday, 08 May 1997
(Thanks to Devon Hubbard and Mate Gross)

by Richard Liebmann-Smith (an editor of American Health Magazine)

Welcome to Managed Caring®, a whole new way of thinking about friendship. The Managed Caring Plan® combines all the advantages of a "traditional" friendship network with important cost-saving features.

How Does It Work?

Under the Plan, you choose your friends from a network of pre- screened accredited Friendship Providers. All your friendship needs are met by members of your Managed Caring® panel.

What's Wrong With My Friends?

If you're like most people, you're probably receiving Friendship Services from a network of Providers haphazardly patched together based on where you've lived, worked, or gone to school. The result is costly duplication, inefficiency and conflict. Some Providers may not meet national standards, responding to your needs with inappropriate, outmoded or experimental behavior. Under Managed Caring®, your friendship needs are coordinated by a designated Best Friend, who Cares® about the quality of all your Friendships.

How Do I Know These Aren't Just A Bunch Of Losers Who Can't Make Friends On Their Own?

Many of today's most dedicated and highly trained Friendship Providers are as concerned as we are about delivering quality Caring® in a cost-effective way. They have joined our network because they want to focus on Caring® for you rather than devoting their resources to the paperwork and high Bad Friendship premiums that have sent the cost of traditional Friendship Delivery systems skyrocketing. Our Friendship providers have met our rigorous standards of loyalty.

What If I Need A Special Friend, Say For Poker Or Fishing?

Special Friends are responsible for most of the unnecessary Friendship Procedures that have sent the cost of the traditional Friendship Delivery system skyrocketing. By training, experience, and by virtue of knowing you for what you really are, your Best Friend is qualified to refer you to a Special Friend within the Managed Caring® network should your needs fall outside the scope of his or her excellent training.

Suppose I Want To See Friends Outside The Managed Caring® Network?

Can My Best Friend Ever Refer Me To Them?

No. The only time you can see a Friendship Provider without first consulting your Best Friend is in the event of a Friendship Emergency.

What's That?

The Managed Caring® Plan covers your friendship needs 24 hours a day, 365 days a year anywhere in the world, even if you need a friend out of town, after business hours, or when your Best Friend is Caring® for someone else. You may be on a business trip and find yourself lonely.

In such a case, you may make a New Friend, and all appropriate Friendship Procedures delivered in this Emergency Friendship will be covered under the plan, provided you notify us within two business days.

What Friendship Procedures Are Covered Under The Plan?

Typical Friendship Procedures covered include (but are not limited to): Chewing the fat, slinging the bull, shooting the breeze, hanging out, checking in, cheering up, kidding around, dropping over, partying, moaning, gossiping, joshing, ribbing, holding your hand, patting your back.

Are Any Friendship Procedures Not Covered Under The Plan?

Yes. Ineligible services include (but are not limited to): drinking in excess of six ounces of alcoholic beverages, lending sums in excess of $5, going the extra mile, exchanging ethnic or dirty jokes, and sex.

How Can I Find Out If The Friendship Procedure I Need Is Covered?

If you need a Friendship Procedure, call the toll-free number on your Managed Caring® I.D. card to arrange for precertification of the proposed Procedure. All appropriate Procedures will be approved for coverage within 24 business hours.

But Who Decides What's Appropriate For Me?

We do. Isn't that what friends are for?

 

 

 

Note to losers: This is a joke . Don't e-mail me asking how I can find you some certified friends. If you didn't realize that this was a joke, then you need to get outdoors more and meet some people!


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