These are from by-gone days when we actually had little computer machines that would answer the telephone for us. They were called "answering machines," intuitively enough. Roughly akin to voice mail today, but when they came out, they were quite novel. Thus, the were the source of much amusement.
"If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons
right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home
and it's safe to leave us a message."
A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not
here. So leave a message.
Hi. This is John:
If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my
parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you
didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If
you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.
(Narrator's voice:) There Dale sits, reading a magazine. Suddenly the
telephone rings! The bathroom explodes into a veritable maelstrom of toilet
paper, with Dale in the middle of it, his arms windmilling at incredible
speeds! Will he make it in time? Alas no, his valiant effort is in vain.
The bell hath sounded. Thou must leave a message.
My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your
name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.
Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now,
because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and
down, and I like doing it left to right...real slowly. So leave a message,
and when we're done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you.
"Hi. Now you say something."
"Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to
it instead. Wait for the beep."
"Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you?"
(From my Japanese friend in Toronto)
He-lo! This is Sa-to. If you leave message, I call you soon. If you leave
*sexy* message, I call sooner!
"Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please
speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these
"Hello, this is Sally's microwave. Her answering machine just eloped with
her tape deck, so I'm stuck with taking her calls. Say, if you want
anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the
"Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages.
My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are
clean. They give to charity through the office and don't need their picture
taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will
get back to you."
"This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic thought-recording
device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling, and
a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call."
"Hi. I am probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a
message, and if I don't call back, it's you."
"Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a
message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back."
"You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy
now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist
suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to
leave your name, number, and a message."