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Tips for Northerners Moving South |
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Thursday, 25 June 1998 |
- Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed
later how to use it.
- If you forget a Southerner's name, refer to him (or her) as
"Bubba". You have a 75% chance of being right.
- Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean we
can. Stay home the two days of the year it snows.
- If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men
in the cab of a four wheel drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow
chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out
of their way. This is what they live for.
- Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same
store.
- Do not buy food at the movie store.
- If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking,
let alone eating.
- Remember: "Y'all" is singular. "All y'all"
is plural. "All
y'all's" is plural possessive.
- There is nothing sillier than a Northerner imitating a
southern accent, unless it is a southerner imitating a Boston accent.
- Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are
you?"
- People walk slower here.
- Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They
don't understand you either.
- The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted
Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "Big ol'," as in
"big ol' truck" or "big ol' boy".. Eighty-five
percent begin their new southern influenced dialect with this
expression. One hundred percent are in denial about it.
- The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer
proper.
- Be advised: The "He needed killin'" defense is valid
here.
- If attending a funeral in the South, remember, we stay until
the last shovel of dirt is thrown on and the tent is torn down.
- If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch
this!"
stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever
say.
- Most Southerners do not use turn signals, and they ignore
those who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with
southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was on when the
car was purchased.
- Northerners can be identified by the spit on the inside of
their car's windshield that comes from yelling at other drivers.
- The winter wardrobe you always brought out in September can
wait until November.
- If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even
the most minuscule accumulation of snow, your presence is required at
the local grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from
the store, it is just something you're supposed to do.
- Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you
purchase one it is to be positioned directly in front of your
trailer. This is logical bearing in mind that the dish cost
considerabley more than the trailer and should, therefore, be
displayed.
- In southern churches you will hear the hymn, "All Glory,
Laud and Honor". You will also hear expressions such as,
"Laud, have mercy," "Good Laud," and "Laudy,
Laudy, Laudy."
- As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph
zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember, many folks learned
to drive on a model of vehicle known as John Deere, and this is the
proper speed and lane position for the vehicle.
- You can ask a Southerner for directions, but unless you
already know the positions of key hills, trees and rocks, you're
better off trying to find it yourself.
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