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Thursday, 17 August 1995

In Various Programming Languages

C:
You shoot yourself in the foot.

C++:
You accidentally create a dozen instances of yourself and shoot them all in the foot. Providing emergency medical assistance is impossible since you can't tell which are bitwise copies and which are just pointing at others and saying, "That's me, over there."

FORTRAN:
You shoot yourself in each toe, iteratively, until you run out of toes, than you read in the next foot and repeat. If you run out of bullets, you continue anyway because you have no exception-handling ability.

COBOL:
Using a COLT 45 HANDGUN, AIM gun at LEG.FOOT, THEN place ARM.HAND.FINGER. on HANDGUN.TRIGGER and SQUEEZE. THEN return HANDGUN to HOLSTER. CHECK whether shoelace needs to be retied.

LISP:
You shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds ....

BASIC:
Shoot yourself in the foot with a water pistol. On big systems, continue until entire lower body is waterlogged.

FORTH:
Foot in yourself shoot.

Pascal:
The compiler won't let you shoot yourself in the foot.

SNOBOL:
If you succeed, shoot yourself in the left foot. If you fail, shoot yourself in the right foot.

Concurrent Euclid:
You shoot yourself in somebody else's foot.

HyperTalk:
Put the first bullet of the gun into foot left of leg of you. Answer the result.

Motif:
You spend days writing a UIL description of your foot, the trajectory, the bullet, and the intricate scrollwork on the ivory handles of the gun. When you finally get around to pulling the trigger, the gun jams.

Unix:
 % ls
foot.c foot.h foot.o toe.c toe.o
% rm * .o
rm: .o: No such file or directory
% ls
%

Paradox:
Not only can you shoot yourself in the foot, your users can, too.

Revelation:
You'll be able to shoot yourself in the foot just as soon as you figure out what all these bullets are for.

Visual Basic:
You'll shoot yourself in the foot, but you'll have so much fun doing it that you won't care.

370 JCL:
You send your foot down to MIS with a 4000-page document explaining how you want it to be shot. Three years later, your foot comes back deep-fried.

Assembly:
You try to shoot yourself in the foot only to discover you must first reinvent the gun, the bullet, and your foot.

RPG:
According to the team from MDTN Holland,(dykes,tulips, mills, the lot), the following bit is an archetypal bit of bit-twiddling using that dinosaur of IBM-languages, the ever infamous RPG.
       C                      Z-ADD5         BULLET  10
C DO BULLET T
C Z-ADD1 FOO,T
C ENDDO
C XFOOTFOO FOOT
C FOOT COMP 5 69
C 69 MOVEL'MESS' AFOOT 4
C N69 MOVEL'MISS' AFOOT
C SETON LR

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