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Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road? |
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Monday, 22 April 1996 |
- Plato
- For the greater good.
- Karl Marx
- It was a historical inevitability.
- Machiavelli
- So that its subjects will view it with admiration, as a chicken
which has the daring and courage to boldly cross the road, but
also with fear, for whom among them has the strength to contend
with such a paragon of avian virtue? In such a manner is the
princely chicken's dominion maintained.
- Hippocrates
- Because of an excess of light pink gooey stuff in its pancreas.
- Jacques Derrida
- Any number of contending discourses may be discovered within
the act of the chicken crossing the road, and each
interpretation is equally valid as the authorial intent can
never be discerned, because structuralism is dead.
- Noam Chomsky
- The chicken didn't exactly cross the road. As of 1994,
something like 99.8% of all US chickens reaching maturity that
year had spent 82% of their lives in confinement. The living
conditions in most chicken coops break every international law
ever written, and some, particularly the ones for chickens
bound for slaughter, border on inhumane. My point is, they had
no chance to cross the road (unless you count the ride to the
supermarket). Even if one or two have crossed roads for
whatever reason, most never get a chance. Of course, this is
not what we are told. Instead, we see chickens happily dancing
around on Sesame Street and Foster Farms commercials where
chickens are not only crossing roads, but driving trucks
(incidentally, Foster Farms is owned by the same people who own
the Foster Freeze chain, a subsidiary of the dairy
industry). Anyway, ... (Chomsky continues for 32 pages. For the
full text of his answer, contact Odonian Press)
- Thomas de Torquemada
- Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find out.
- Timothy Leary
- Because that's the only kind of trip the Establishment would
let it take.
- Douglas Adams
- Forty-two.
- Friedrich Nietzsche
- Because if you gaze too long across the road, the road gazes
also across you.
- Oliver North
- National Security was at stake.
- B.F. Skinner
- Because the external influences which had pervaded its
sensorium from birth had caused it to develop in such a fashion
that it would tend to cross roads, even while believing these
actions to be of its own free will.
- Carl Jung
- The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt necessitated
that individual chickens cross roads at this historical
juncture, and therefore synchronicitously brought such
occurrences into being.
- Jean-Paul Sartre
- In order to act in good faith and be true to itself, the
chicken found it necessary to cross the road.
- Ludwig Wittgenstein
- The possibility of crossing was encoded into the objects
chicken and road, and circumstances came into being which
caused the actualization of this potential occurrence.
- Albert Einstein
- Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the
chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
- Aristotle
- To actualize its potential.
- Buddha
- If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken-nature.
- Howard Cosell
- It may very well have been one of the most astonishing events
to grace the annals of history. An historic, unprecedented
avian biped with the temerity to attempt such an herculean
achievement formerly relegated to homo sapien pedestrians is
truly a remarkable occurence.
- Salvador Dali
- The Fish.
- Darwin
- It was the logical next step after coming down from the trees.
- Emily Dickinson
- Because it could not stop for death.
- Epicurus
- For fun.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
- It didn't cross the road; it transcended it.
- Johann von Goethe
- The eternal hen-principle made it do it.
- Ernest Hemingway
- To die. In the rain.
- Werner Heisenberg
- We are not sure which side of the road the chicken was on, but
it was moving very fast.
- David Hume
- Out of custom and habit.
- Saddam Hussein
- This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite
justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
- Jack Nicholson
- 'Cause it (censored) wanted to. That's the (censored) reason.
- Pyrrho the Skeptic
- What road?
- Ronald Reagan
- I forget.
- John Sununu
- The Air Force was only too happy to provide the transportation,
so quite understandably the chicken availed himself of the
opportunity.
- The Sphinx
- You tell me.
- Henry David Thoreau
- To live deliberately ... and suck all the marrow out of life.
- Mark Twain
- The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated.
- Catherine MacKinnon
- Because, in this patriarchial state, for the last four
centuries, men have applied their principles of justice in
determining how chickens should be cared for, their language
has demeaned the identity of the chicken, their technonogy and
trucks have decided how and where chickens will be distributed,
their science has become the basis for what chickens eat, their
sense of humor has provided the framework for this joke, their
art and film have given us our perception of chicken life,
their lust for flesh has has made the chicken the most
consumned animal in the US, and their legal system has left the
chicken with no other recourse.
- Stephen Jay Gould
- It is possible that there is a sociobiological explanation for
it, but we have been deluged in recent years with
sociobiological stories despite the fact that we have little
direct evidence about the genetics of behavior, and we do not
know how to obtain it for the specific behaviors that figure
most prominently in sociobiological speculation.
- Joseph Stalin
- I don't care. Catch it. I need its eggs to make my omlette.
- Malcolm X
- It was coming home to roost.
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