- Birkenstock Barbie
- Finally, a Barbie doll with horizontal feet and comfortable
sandals. Made from recycled materials.
- Bisexual Barbie
- Comes in a package with Skipper and Ken.
- Bite-The-Bullet Barbie
- An anthropologist Barbie with pith helmet, camera, detachable
limbs, fake blood, and the ability to perform surgery on
herself in the Outback.
- Blue Collar Barbie
- Comes with overalls, protective goggles, lunch pail, UAW
membership, pamphlet on union-organizing and pay scales for
women as compared to men. Waitressing outfits and cashier's
aprons may be purchased separately for Barbies who are holding
down second jobs in order to make ends meet.
- Our Barbies Ourselves
- Anatomically correct Barbie, both inside and out, comes with
spreadable legs, her own speculum, magnifying glass, and
detailed diagrams of female anatomy so that little girls can
learn about their bodies in a friendly, non-threatening way.
Also included: tiny Kotex, booklets on sexual responsibility.
Accessories such as contraceptives, sex toys, expanding uterus
with fetus at various stages of development, and breastpump are
all optional, underscoring that each young woman has the right
to chose what she does with her own Barbie.
- Rebbe Barbie
- So why not? Women rabbis are on the cutting edge in Judaism.
Rebbe Barbie comes with tiny satin yarmulke, prayer shawl,
teffilin, silver kaddish cup, Torah scrolls.
Optional: tiny mezzuzah for doorway of Barbie Townhouse.
- Homegirl Barbie
- Truly fly Barble in midriff-bearing shirt and baggy jeans.
Comes with gold jewelry, hip-hop accessories, and plenty of
attitude. Pull cord and she says things like "I don't think
so,""Dang, get outta my face," and "You go, girl." Teaches
girls not to take crap from men and condesending white people.
- Transgender Barbie
- Formerly known as G.I. Joe.
- Robotic Barbie
- Hey, kids, experiment with an autonomous two-legged walking
machine! After falling over, she says "Control theory is hard.
Darn these spike heels anyway!"
- Dinner Roll Barbie
- A Barbie with multiple love handles, double chin, a real curvy
belly, and voluminous thighs to show
girls that voluptuousness is also beautiful. Comes with a
miniature basket of dinner rolls, bucket o' fried chicken, tiny
Entenmann's walnut ring, a brick of Sealtest ice cream, three
packs of potato chips, a t-shirt reading "Only the Weak Don't
Eat," and, of course, an appetite.
- Redneck Barbie
- This Barbie, of couse, comes with her own pink trailer and
lives in a park somewhere south of the Mason-Dixon line. She
listens to the country music station, and is a gum
chewing, two steppin', barrel racing, cowgirl, with a heart of
gold. She has a dog named "Bud" (short for Budweiser), and a one-
ton Dodge pick-em-up truck with a Rebel flag flying from the
antenna and mud flaps that say "God bless the USA, Love it or
Leave it!" Optional items are a Greyhound bus ticket for her annual
trek to Lukenbach, Texas, tickets for that special trip to
Nashville this year for Fan Fest and an Igloo cooler which
doubles as a suitcase when not full of Lone Star beer, RC Cola
and Moonpies.
The recent announcement that Mattel and the producers of "Baywatch"
have joined forces to create Baywatch Barbie came as no surprise.
After all, both companies have made millions off airheads with
flawless skins, Malibu tans and synthetic breasts.
If Baywatch Barbie sells well, other Barbie/TV tie-ins seem certain to
follow. Some possibilities:
- Melrose Place Barbie
- Comes complete with her Barbie Dream Apartment, where Skipper
and the rest of the gang live rent-free. Other accessories
include a bottle of vodka, silk sheets, and an arrest warrant.
- Dr. Barbie, Medicine Woman
- This helpful doll offers other homesteaders important tips like
what conditioner to use out on the plains and how to take care
of their nails while shoeing a horse.
- America's Most Wanted Barbie
- She's on the run after 30 years of crime against feminism.
- Oprah Barbie
- Push a button on her back and this Barbie actually speaks!
Hold your very own talk show with topics like how tough math
class is, Ballerina Barbie's struggle with bulimia, Kens who
wear Barbie's clothes.
- My So-Called Barbie
- She faces the same troubling issues as regular teens who don't
have huge wardrobes, perfect bods, pools, and ponies.
- Roseanne Barbie
- The dark side of the American dream is explored with this doll,
which shows what happened after Barbie graduated from high
school, married too young and ate too much.
- Murder, Barbie Wrote
- Whenever this elder stateswoman of the Barbie set (she's 27!)
arrives in the playhouse, all the other dolls mysteriously
disappear.
-
Werewolf Barbie
- You'll have to see Kristy's page to see what she means.
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