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Barbies We'd Like to See

Birkenstock Barbie
Finally, a Barbie doll with horizontal feet and comfortable sandals. Made from recycled materials.

Bisexual Barbie
Comes in a package with Skipper and Ken.

Bite-The-Bullet Barbie
An anthropologist Barbie with pith helmet, camera, detachable limbs, fake blood, and the ability to perform surgery on herself in the Outback.

Blue Collar Barbie
Comes with overalls, protective goggles, lunch pail, UAW membership, pamphlet on union-organizing and pay scales for women as compared to men. Waitressing outfits and cashier's aprons may be purchased separately for Barbies who are holding down second jobs in order to make ends meet.

Our Barbies Ourselves
Anatomically correct Barbie, both inside and out, comes with spreadable legs, her own speculum, magnifying glass, and detailed diagrams of female anatomy so that little girls can learn about their bodies in a friendly, non-threatening way.

Also included: tiny Kotex, booklets on sexual responsibility. Accessories such as contraceptives, sex toys, expanding uterus with fetus at various stages of development, and breastpump are all optional, underscoring that each young woman has the right to chose what she does with her own Barbie.

Rebbe Barbie
So why not? Women rabbis are on the cutting edge in Judaism. Rebbe Barbie comes with tiny satin yarmulke, prayer shawl, teffilin, silver kaddish cup, Torah scrolls.

Optional: tiny mezzuzah for doorway of Barbie Townhouse.

Homegirl Barbie
Truly fly Barble in midriff-bearing shirt and baggy jeans. Comes with gold jewelry, hip-hop accessories, and plenty of attitude. Pull cord and she says things like "I don't think so,""Dang, get outta my face," and "You go, girl." Teaches girls not to take crap from men and condesending white people.

Transgender Barbie
Formerly known as G.I. Joe.

Robotic Barbie
Hey, kids, experiment with an autonomous two-legged walking machine! After falling over, she says "Control theory is hard. Darn these spike heels anyway!"

Dinner Roll Barbie
A Barbie with multiple love handles, double chin, a real curvy belly, and voluminous thighs to show girls that voluptuousness is also beautiful. Comes with a miniature basket of dinner rolls, bucket o' fried chicken, tiny Entenmann's walnut ring, a brick of Sealtest ice cream, three packs of potato chips, a t-shirt reading "Only the Weak Don't Eat," and, of course, an appetite.

Redneck Barbie
This Barbie, of couse, comes with her own pink trailer and lives in a park somewhere south of the Mason-Dixon line. She listens to the country music station, and is a gum chewing, two steppin', barrel racing, cowgirl, with a heart of gold. She has a dog named "Bud" (short for Budweiser), and a one- ton Dodge pick-em-up truck with a Rebel flag flying from the antenna and mud flaps that say "God bless the USA, Love it or Leave it!" Optional items are a Greyhound bus ticket for her annual trek to Lukenbach, Texas, tickets for that special trip to Nashville this year for Fan Fest and an Igloo cooler which doubles as a suitcase when not full of Lone Star beer, RC Cola and Moonpies.

The recent announcement that Mattel and the producers of "Baywatch" have joined forces to create Baywatch Barbie came as no surprise. After all, both companies have made millions off airheads with flawless skins, Malibu tans and synthetic breasts.

If Baywatch Barbie sells well, other Barbie/TV tie-ins seem certain to follow. Some possibilities:

Melrose Place Barbie
Comes complete with her Barbie Dream Apartment, where Skipper and the rest of the gang live rent-free. Other accessories include a bottle of vodka, silk sheets, and an arrest warrant.

Dr. Barbie, Medicine Woman
This helpful doll offers other homesteaders important tips like what conditioner to use out on the plains and how to take care of their nails while shoeing a horse.

America's Most Wanted Barbie
She's on the run after 30 years of crime against feminism.

Oprah Barbie
Push a button on her back and this Barbie actually speaks! Hold your very own talk show with topics like how tough math class is, Ballerina Barbie's struggle with bulimia, Kens who wear Barbie's clothes.

My So-Called Barbie
She faces the same troubling issues as regular teens who don't have huge wardrobes, perfect bods, pools, and ponies.

Roseanne Barbie
The dark side of the American dream is explored with this doll, which shows what happened after Barbie graduated from high school, married too young and ate too much.

Murder, Barbie Wrote
Whenever this elder stateswoman of the Barbie set (she's 27!) arrives in the playhouse, all the other dolls mysteriously disappear.

Werewolf Barbie
You'll have to see Kristy's page to see what she means.

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Last modified: Sat Mar 9 22:49:09 1996