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19 Ways to be Offensive at a Funeral

  1. Tell the widow that the deceased's last wish was that she have sex with you.

  2. Tell the undertaker that he can't close the coffin until you find your contact lens.

  3. Punch the body and tell people he hit you first.

  4. Tell the widow that you're the deceased's gay lover.

  5. Ask someont to take a snapshot of you shaking hands with the deceased.

  6. At the cemetary, play taps on a kazoo.

  7. Walk around telling people that you've seen the will and they're not in it.

  8. Ask the widow to give you an enema.

  9. Drive behind the widow's limo and keep honking your horn.

  10. Tell the undertaker that your dog just died and ask him if he can sneak him into the coffin.

  11. Place a hard boiled egg into the mouth of the deceased.

  12. Slip a whoopee cushion under the widow.

  13. Leave some phony dog mess on top of the deceased.

  14. Tell the widow that you have to leave early and ask if the will can be read before the funeral is over.

  15. Urge the widow to give the deceased's wooden leg to someone poor who can't afford firewood.

  16. Walk around telling people that the deceased didn't like them.

  17. Use the deceased's tongue to lick a stamp.

  18. Ask the widow for money which the deceased owes you.

  19. Take up a collection to pay off the deceased's gambling debts.

Thanks to Mike Allen for sending me these.

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Last modified: Mon Jun 19 22:07:54 1995 [Paco]