50 Things to do in an Elevator
Wednesday, 12 October 1994
- Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
- Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex
to other passengers.
- Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering:
Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!
- Whistle the first seven notes of It's a Small World incessantly.
- Sell Girl Scout cookies.
- On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of
- Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside
ask: Got enough air in there?
- Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear
- Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall,
without getting off.
- When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the
doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
- Lean over to another passenger and whisper: Noogie patrol
- Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake
and ask them to call you Admiral.
- Censored by your son.
- On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it
stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the
shaft go plink at the bottom.
- Do Tai Chi exercises.
- Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then
announce: I've got new socks on!
- When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back:
Oh, not now, damn motion sickness!
- Give religious tracts to each passenger.
- Meow occassionally.
- Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
- Frown and mutter gotta go, gotta go then sigh and say oops!
- Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
- Sing Mary had a little lamb while continually pushing buttons.
- Holler Chutes away! whenever the elevator descends.
- Walk on with a cooler that says human head on the side.
- Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce You're one
of THEM! and move to the far corner of the elevator.
- Burp, and then say mmmm...tasty!
- Leave a box between the doors.
- Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for
- Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers through it.
- Start a sing-along.
- When the elevator is silent, look around and ask is that your
- Play the harmonica.
- Shadow box.
- Say Ding! at each floor.
- Lean against the button panel.
- Say I wonder what all these do and push the red buttons.
- Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
- Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the
other passengers that this is your personal space.
- Bring a chair along.
- Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: Wanna see
wha in muh mouf?
- Blow spit bubbles.
- Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
- Announce in a demonic voice: I must find a more suitable host body.
- Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
- Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
- Wear X-Ray Specs and leer suggestively at other passengers.
- Stare at your thumb and say I think it's getting larger.
- If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler Bad touch!