Consumer Reports Guide
to Selecting a Girlfriend
Well it's been almost 20 years since Consumer Reports reviewed
girlfriends (CR, Aug 1972). Since then, styles have changed, new
features have been introduced, and the market for girlfriends has
changed substantially. So we here at CU decided another report was
As in a car or a computer, you should ask yourself what you need a
girlfriend for before obtaining one. This will, in large part, dictate
the final product which you should consider. Do you want an
intellectual companion? A baby factory? A hiking partner? Or just lots
of good, old-fashioned sex? Identifying your needs is the first, and
most important, step in selecting a girlfriend.
The second question which needs to be addressed is, of course, how
much you are able to spend. This is largely determined by your
physical and personal characteristics--if you are good looking, have a
commanding personality and a good sense of humor, you will have the
resources to obtain a fancy, high-end model. On the other hand, if you
are ugly, smell bad, and wear polyester clothes, your choices are more
limited. Keep your purchasing power in mind when considering your
selection. Although the salesman will tell you that a girlfriend can
be financed, CU does not recommend this practice; due to inflating
expectations, the required monetary outlay will actually *increase*
Used vs. New?
A question many girlfriend seekers have to address is whether to get a
new or a used girlfriend. The answer to this question will, roughly
speaking, be determined by your age, as shown in the following table:
|Your age ||Used or New
| 1-12 years || (see note A) |
| 13-16 years || New |
| 17-21 years || Used, but not used up |
| 22-35 years || Used heavily |
| 35-60 years || New (see note B) |
| 60+ || (see note A) |
A: Seek psychiatric help
New girlfriends have the advantage that they have no previous bad
experiences to project on you, but the disadvantage that they will
rarely be old enough to open their own checking account. Used
girlfriends, on the other hand, may be steady, reliable performers,
with the initial problems worked out, but CU advises that you avoid
models which have much more than average mileage (2.1 SO's/yr). Much
greater than the average may be an indication that the girlfriend was
B: Only "new" if income > $100,000/year. Otherwise, "divorced."
Often the potential girlfriends you see on the lot or in a tavern will
be loaded with accessories, as the dealer gets a high markup on such
items as large bosom, long legs, green eyes, etc. Other accessories
will only appeal to fringe markets, such as models which come
pre-equipped with children, or the ability run 10 miles while chanting
sanskrit. In such cases you should make a list of accessories desired,
tolerated, and disliked. Note that some accessories (such as children)
can be added later, while others (such as a large bosom) should be
The Test Ride
When evaluating a girlfriend, a test ride is essential. The test ride
ritual begins with the so-called "pickup line", which can range from
the simple if dull ("Can I buy you a drink?") to the aggressively hip
("dance with me or I'll kill you") to the arcane ("You're my Camus
comrade, and I want to leap you, Faith!"). CU rates as Not Acceptable
"Smile, you'll look better." Once on the test bed, evaluate handling,
stability, and acceleration. The two questions you want to answer are:
how fast, and how far? Examine the detailing. Does the bosom sag?
Does the heater warm adequately, or does she remain cool?
Ordering vs. On-The-Lot
Finding the right girlfriend can be a frustrating experience, and many
potential customers find it hard to get the exact model and
accessories wanted. In such cases ordering from the factory is an
option. Delivery time, however, is from 14 to 16 years (depending on
the state you live in), and CU questions the usefulness of such a
practice: if you have access to the baby factory, you should
reconsider your need for a girlfriend anyway.
Girlfriends were evaluated by a dedicated group of 10 test engineers,
selected to typify the average seeking population. All tests were
performed at CU's specially constructed test facility, which included
a bedroom, kitchen, and living room, and at a number of bars and
taverns surrounding the facility. A series of seven tests were run,
evaluating each product according to the following criterion:
intelligence, wit, humor, empathy, initiative, looks, and performance.
Girlfriends are grouped together in categories by similarity. Within
each category, variation is not statistically significant.
Until you find her, we at CU wish you Happy Hunting!
- This is the woman of your dreams. She comes equipped with all
the options you want and none of the ones you don't. She can
argue subtle points of philosophy, give you a stiff game of
racquetball, understand what you mean even if you don't say it,
and break a bed. No mental or physical hang-ups. The drawback
is that this model is not actually available.
- This model is similar to the goddess, but comes with
contractual retainers, such as a psychotic ex-husband, a
spiteful mother, an alcoholic father, and a bratty kid. This
model tends to generate gray hairs.
- Ms. Right
- The best all-around choice for most girlfriend situations. Has
most of the characteristics of the Goddess except possibly in
the wrong size or hair color. Other than that, an excellent
long-term investment. Availability is extremely limited but can
occasionally be found with luck.
- This is the flashy, fully-loaded variety with all the
options. Unfortunately this model lacks cognitive powers and
empathy. Showy, and suitable for a parade or for impressing
your friends, but not for your long-term girlfriend needs.
- The model with the most empathy. Caring and kind but you
wouldn't be caught dead in it. Availability is poor to fair,
depending on quality.
- Yeah, Her
- The Ford Escort of girlfriends. Widely available, but useful as
a girlfriend only in a pinch, if no others are available.
Tends to be spiteful or unreliable, or have a dull
Last modified: Sat Apr 20 17:40:26 1996